A year ago, I had just ended a long-term relationship with a passive-aggressive, abusive man. After six years of belittling, put downs, irrational rules, I was left with a constant overshadowing feeling of worthlessness.
How did it start?
Throughout high school, I never had a boyfriend and was never really comfortable around guys. Whenever I ended up alone with one, I’d break into a panic attack and end everything right there. By nineteen, I'd started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I wondered if I should just shut my gut feelings up and let go.
A great friend of mine encouraged me to go live in Europe when the opportunity arose. I was terrified, but he helped me see what an amazing experience it would be, so I went, and every week I was there, he wrote me the most poetic letters. Six months later, I came home and was anxious to see him but saddened when I found out that he was leaving within a few days. He had a going away party and so, of course, I attended. I was a ball of nerves. I was so uncomfortable, but I didn’t listen to my gut. I convinced myself that the only thing wrong with the situation was me.
This so-called friend I thought I knew well held me hostage that night, trapped for hours and just as it got to the point of no return, I somehow found the strength to throw him off me, break free and run. I didn’t tell anybody what happened. My closest friends knew something had changed in me, but they didn’t know any details and never imagined it was nearly as bad as it was.
After him, another amazingly sweet guy took me under his wing and made me feel safe again. He loved me without ever touching me, which was exactly what I needed. Then, out of nowhere, he left. He never said goodbye, and he never came back. I was broken all over again and convinced that I had no worth. I bounced around from one shallow, meaningless relationship to another, with total disregard for my body and my self, and somehow, I ended up stuck in the most abusive relationship yet for a long time. It was so terrible on my body that I ended up nearly dying of an autoimmune disorder caused by the stress. Finally, after months of hesitation, I put my foot down and ended it.
Within a couple of weeks, a new guy unexpectedly came into my life. I was a broken, arrogant agnostic leaning towards atheism, and he was a hardcore Christian from the Deep South with an amazing heart. He picked me up and showed me constantly that I was a strong and lovable woman with the potential to do anything. He really loved me.
Through that love and long daily conversations, I became open to learning about God. He bought me my first Bible and encouraged me to listen to his church’s sermons online. Curiosity got a hold of me and I looked for more churches to listen to. Soon, I was listening to a few sermons every week along with reading my Bible nearly every day. For the first time in my life, I trusted somebody completely. It was amazing and through our relationship and strong friendship, I kept growing and learning.
Then suddenly, he betrayed me. He broke my heart entirely and neither of us saw it coming. Though I was devastated, and my new-found beliefs in God and Jesus were shaky and shallow, a feeling overcame me - I had to forgive him. I had to find a way to let him regain my trust; otherwise, I knew I’d never be able to trust anybody ever again. But I just couldn’t do it. I was too broken.
I asked a pastor for help. He promised to pray for me, that my relationship with the man who introduced me to God would be strengthened and restored, and that I would have the strength for forgiveness. I prayed too. I prayed to God to make it easier somehow for me to forgive my new guy.
That night, I went out to see a musician friend’s show alone. I arrived late and sat down quietly at the edge of the room by the door. As soon as I was comfortable, the door opened again and in walked the guy who had held me hostage nearly nine years before. It was the first time I had seen him since. Without recognizing me, he came into the room and sat in the seat right beside me. I couldn’t breathe because his stench stirred up all sorts of vivid memories. I reached into my handbag, put my hand on the small Bible I always keep in there for protection, shut my eyes and took a calming exhale. Here I was, sitting elbow to elbow with the man who had tortured me, and I was surviving. Now, I had God on my side, loving me, watching out for me, protecting me and giving me the strength I needed.
It suddenly became obvious to me that God was answering my prayers. My new guy’s betrayal was not even in the same realm as what this horrible person’s had been to me. But more than that, through my relationship with my new guy and everything I've learned as a result of meeting him - having him in my life and him showing me God in such a way that I could finally understand - I'd become a strong enough person to sit beside the most horrible person of my life and not break. I thanked God for using this horrible human being to remind me of everything from where I've come to where I am so that my perspective of my new guy, one of the most beautiful people I know, with the kindest heart, could be restored.
While I still cannot forgive that horrible person for what he did (and for now, I'm fine with that), I did forgive my new guy so much more wholeheartedly than I ever would have had God not answered my prayers in such a brutal way. I'm so grateful.
So, in the past year, how have I transformed, and how has God changed me?
In every way imaginable.
How did it start?
Throughout high school, I never had a boyfriend and was never really comfortable around guys. Whenever I ended up alone with one, I’d break into a panic attack and end everything right there. By nineteen, I'd started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I wondered if I should just shut my gut feelings up and let go.
A great friend of mine encouraged me to go live in Europe when the opportunity arose. I was terrified, but he helped me see what an amazing experience it would be, so I went, and every week I was there, he wrote me the most poetic letters. Six months later, I came home and was anxious to see him but saddened when I found out that he was leaving within a few days. He had a going away party and so, of course, I attended. I was a ball of nerves. I was so uncomfortable, but I didn’t listen to my gut. I convinced myself that the only thing wrong with the situation was me.
This so-called friend I thought I knew well held me hostage that night, trapped for hours and just as it got to the point of no return, I somehow found the strength to throw him off me, break free and run. I didn’t tell anybody what happened. My closest friends knew something had changed in me, but they didn’t know any details and never imagined it was nearly as bad as it was.
After him, another amazingly sweet guy took me under his wing and made me feel safe again. He loved me without ever touching me, which was exactly what I needed. Then, out of nowhere, he left. He never said goodbye, and he never came back. I was broken all over again and convinced that I had no worth. I bounced around from one shallow, meaningless relationship to another, with total disregard for my body and my self, and somehow, I ended up stuck in the most abusive relationship yet for a long time. It was so terrible on my body that I ended up nearly dying of an autoimmune disorder caused by the stress. Finally, after months of hesitation, I put my foot down and ended it.
Within a couple of weeks, a new guy unexpectedly came into my life. I was a broken, arrogant agnostic leaning towards atheism, and he was a hardcore Christian from the Deep South with an amazing heart. He picked me up and showed me constantly that I was a strong and lovable woman with the potential to do anything. He really loved me.
Through that love and long daily conversations, I became open to learning about God. He bought me my first Bible and encouraged me to listen to his church’s sermons online. Curiosity got a hold of me and I looked for more churches to listen to. Soon, I was listening to a few sermons every week along with reading my Bible nearly every day. For the first time in my life, I trusted somebody completely. It was amazing and through our relationship and strong friendship, I kept growing and learning.
Then suddenly, he betrayed me. He broke my heart entirely and neither of us saw it coming. Though I was devastated, and my new-found beliefs in God and Jesus were shaky and shallow, a feeling overcame me - I had to forgive him. I had to find a way to let him regain my trust; otherwise, I knew I’d never be able to trust anybody ever again. But I just couldn’t do it. I was too broken.
I asked a pastor for help. He promised to pray for me, that my relationship with the man who introduced me to God would be strengthened and restored, and that I would have the strength for forgiveness. I prayed too. I prayed to God to make it easier somehow for me to forgive my new guy.
That night, I went out to see a musician friend’s show alone. I arrived late and sat down quietly at the edge of the room by the door. As soon as I was comfortable, the door opened again and in walked the guy who had held me hostage nearly nine years before. It was the first time I had seen him since. Without recognizing me, he came into the room and sat in the seat right beside me. I couldn’t breathe because his stench stirred up all sorts of vivid memories. I reached into my handbag, put my hand on the small Bible I always keep in there for protection, shut my eyes and took a calming exhale. Here I was, sitting elbow to elbow with the man who had tortured me, and I was surviving. Now, I had God on my side, loving me, watching out for me, protecting me and giving me the strength I needed.
It suddenly became obvious to me that God was answering my prayers. My new guy’s betrayal was not even in the same realm as what this horrible person’s had been to me. But more than that, through my relationship with my new guy and everything I've learned as a result of meeting him - having him in my life and him showing me God in such a way that I could finally understand - I'd become a strong enough person to sit beside the most horrible person of my life and not break. I thanked God for using this horrible human being to remind me of everything from where I've come to where I am so that my perspective of my new guy, one of the most beautiful people I know, with the kindest heart, could be restored.
While I still cannot forgive that horrible person for what he did (and for now, I'm fine with that), I did forgive my new guy so much more wholeheartedly than I ever would have had God not answered my prayers in such a brutal way. I'm so grateful.
So, in the past year, how have I transformed, and how has God changed me?
In every way imaginable.
1 comments:
That is an amazing story, and I commend you on the progress you have made toward health & wholeness. I urge you to consider reporting what happened to you, though. I know it will be hard and will stir up old feelings, but until it's reported, that awful man is out there and is very likely to repeat that crime with someone else. I believe that you have the newfound strength in you, and with God's help, you can make it through.
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