I once went out on six dates with a really nice guy, which officially registered at that time as the longest relationship on file for me since high school. He was a Christian, he was nice, he was a gentleman, he was tall, he was easy to talk to, and we got along well. But as I discovered through dating him, that's not enough for me. Call me picky, call me crazy, call me the future Ms. Old Maid USA, but I'm just not willing to settle for common decency. Maybe my standards for men are set higher than realism allows, but I guess I think that all Christian men should be nice and gentlemanly. I don't have to share interests or sense of humor with them all, and they certainly don't all have to be tall, but I suppose that the rest of the good qualities are just the basics. And I'm looking for the extraordinary.
I want to be pursued relentlessly, not in a creepy stalker sort of way, but in a way that tells me I'm necessary in the man's life. I know this is horribly cheesy and hopelessly romantic, but I keep thinking about The Notebook, and how the guy simply cannot function properly without the girl. He's going crazy until she agrees to go out with him, going to downright dangerous lengths to get her to say yes. And though I asked the man previously described for patience while I figured out my feelings for him, the truth was that if I'd had any feelings, I would have known. I wouldn't have needed to figure them out. There were no butterflies to speak of, no nervous laughter, no sweaty palms, no talking nonsense, no tongue-tied-ness. And while it's nice to feel comfortable with a man, this was not a comfort born of familiarity and closeness but of lack of concern for his opinion of me, because I wasn't trying to make a good impression, because I wasn't trying to keep him liking me, because it wouldn't have bother me if he weren't interested, because I wasn't interested.
I want to be swept off my feet. Knowing what I know about the Lord and the way He pursues and loves His people, there's no way I can be satisfied with anything less than an overwhelming romance. If my vision of God were smaller, if my knowledge were more limited, if my experience were less thorough, I could be perfectly happy with a sweet, attractive, funny guy who's active in his church. But I've seen God's power, I know His love, and I've experienced too much of His faithfulness to believe that He would have me marry someone I'm not absolutely amazed by.
I want to be amazed (in my life in general) by what the Lord has done. And if, someday, I get married, when I think about my husband, I don't want to think about how nice or how cute he is. I don't want to think about what we did to build our relationship. I don't want to think that I'm glad I've finally gotten what I think I deserve in life. When I think about my husband, I want to have no other words but to say how incredible God is in having brought us together. I want to say that I can't believe what the Lord has done, and that I don't know why He has chosen to bless me in this way, but I'm not going to question it or argue because my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me apart from Christ himself.
I want to bring out the best in him and allow him to bring out the best in me. I know that we'll probably bring out the worst in each other as well, but I want to use that to challenge each other spiritually to grow and seek the Lord, not out of confusion or despair, but out of a desire to know God better so that our love might be made more pure.
I want a man who doesn't need to be told how to pursue me. I know he can't read my mind, and I know he'll need to be told what I like to eat (veggie burritos) or that I want a pearl engagement ring and not a diamond. But if I have to say that I want him to hold my hand before trying to kiss me, or that I may freak out at which point he'll have to step up the pursuit, not give up on it, or that walking a girl to her door is just the right thing to do, or that I want to talk about spiritual things... If I have to say all these things, it's really like I'm wooing myself. Furthermore, if I say all these things, I am the one calling the shots. I am the one steering the relationship. I am doing his job, and I don't want to do his job. I want to do mine.
I want to help him find and pursue his passions. I want to see him thrive in life no matter what that takes, no matter where it takes us. I want to be a source of help and support and rest out of my strengths and gifts.
I want a godly man or none at all, and I don't think that this is too much to ask. Not from a God "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).
I want to be pursued relentlessly, not in a creepy stalker sort of way, but in a way that tells me I'm necessary in the man's life. I know this is horribly cheesy and hopelessly romantic, but I keep thinking about The Notebook, and how the guy simply cannot function properly without the girl. He's going crazy until she agrees to go out with him, going to downright dangerous lengths to get her to say yes. And though I asked the man previously described for patience while I figured out my feelings for him, the truth was that if I'd had any feelings, I would have known. I wouldn't have needed to figure them out. There were no butterflies to speak of, no nervous laughter, no sweaty palms, no talking nonsense, no tongue-tied-ness. And while it's nice to feel comfortable with a man, this was not a comfort born of familiarity and closeness but of lack of concern for his opinion of me, because I wasn't trying to make a good impression, because I wasn't trying to keep him liking me, because it wouldn't have bother me if he weren't interested, because I wasn't interested.
I want to be swept off my feet. Knowing what I know about the Lord and the way He pursues and loves His people, there's no way I can be satisfied with anything less than an overwhelming romance. If my vision of God were smaller, if my knowledge were more limited, if my experience were less thorough, I could be perfectly happy with a sweet, attractive, funny guy who's active in his church. But I've seen God's power, I know His love, and I've experienced too much of His faithfulness to believe that He would have me marry someone I'm not absolutely amazed by.
I want to be amazed (in my life in general) by what the Lord has done. And if, someday, I get married, when I think about my husband, I don't want to think about how nice or how cute he is. I don't want to think about what we did to build our relationship. I don't want to think that I'm glad I've finally gotten what I think I deserve in life. When I think about my husband, I want to have no other words but to say how incredible God is in having brought us together. I want to say that I can't believe what the Lord has done, and that I don't know why He has chosen to bless me in this way, but I'm not going to question it or argue because my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me apart from Christ himself.
I want to bring out the best in him and allow him to bring out the best in me. I know that we'll probably bring out the worst in each other as well, but I want to use that to challenge each other spiritually to grow and seek the Lord, not out of confusion or despair, but out of a desire to know God better so that our love might be made more pure.
I want a man who doesn't need to be told how to pursue me. I know he can't read my mind, and I know he'll need to be told what I like to eat (veggie burritos) or that I want a pearl engagement ring and not a diamond. But if I have to say that I want him to hold my hand before trying to kiss me, or that I may freak out at which point he'll have to step up the pursuit, not give up on it, or that walking a girl to her door is just the right thing to do, or that I want to talk about spiritual things... If I have to say all these things, it's really like I'm wooing myself. Furthermore, if I say all these things, I am the one calling the shots. I am the one steering the relationship. I am doing his job, and I don't want to do his job. I want to do mine.
I want to help him find and pursue his passions. I want to see him thrive in life no matter what that takes, no matter where it takes us. I want to be a source of help and support and rest out of my strengths and gifts.
I want a godly man or none at all, and I don't think that this is too much to ask. Not from a God "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).
7 comments:
Incredibly good stuff, buddy.
Lots to think about and I really couldn't agree more.
I hear you! Don't give up on this man. He is out there and worth waiting for.
Yeah -- what you said.
But seriously, I feel exactly the same way. This blog needs to be looked at the next time I meet someone who I actually want to spend time with, because there have been too many times in the past when I have settled for much less. I'll need the reminder.
Don't ever settle! Keep the faith.
Oh yeah, and thanks so much for sharing this!
just for the record, i don't think you're picky, crazy, or destined to be an old maid. i think that the best love story is a love story written by God, in which case you cannot afford to settle for less. God promises to give you the desires of your heart, and if anyone knows what those are, He does; i'll wager He knows them far better than even you do. i just want to encourage you not to lose hope in God's promises. the best relationship will happen when you and the guy have nothing to do with it--ultimately it is God who calls the shots and brings people together. he knows both of your hearts and your desires, and when He is putting someone in your life, you will know. i lost hope that God would give me the kind of man He had promised me, so i settled for less. after being really broken, i could finally see that what i thought i wanted in that moment was not what my heart really wanted after all. for many years i had prayed for a man who loved God and depended on Him first and foremost, and then would love me. i didn't just want a guy who said he was a Christian and who went to church; that was never enough for me. i have always wanted a guy who hungered to know God and to be in His will...a man after God's own heart. but with time i started to believe that that kind of man didn't exist anymore. then, when i least expected it, right after i had been so broken, and when i was ready to be single as long as was necessary (basically once i finally surrendered my future to God), he brought someone into my life. at first i resisted...i didn't see immediately how this guy fit what i wanted, so all i could see were his imperfections. yet i felt like he kept happening to me. one morning i went to take a walk by myself on the beach, and i said angrily to God, "this is NOT my will!" then i heard a small voice say in my heart, "but i thought you wanted to do MY will..." i felt like God was saying, "trust me on this one. just stop fighting and let me bless you." so i did. and He did. i have been continually surprised and blown away...even though there were no initial sparks or butterflies, God has been cultivating a romance in my heart that i hadn't even hoped to dream was possible. i don’t know what the future holds, but i can say without hesitation that i am certain of God’s hand in the way things came about. i had nothing to do with this. my point in telling you this is to encourage you to keep waiting on the Lord, to keep trusting and hoping in Him, and to be confident that He keeps His promises. no, you'll never find the perfect guy from the movies, but if it is in God's will, He can give you a relationship that is more real and truer than anything in the movies, because it is founded on a relationship with Him. the One who has promised is faithful. so my advice to you is just to take your hands off of things completely, and when God tells you He wants to bless you, just stand back and let Him work.
You are right on in having high expectations for the man that deserves you. You are worth it - you are a wonderful creation that God delights in. Seek first God's kingdom and his righteousness, and then He will provide for your other needs. Maybe that's a life companion. Be concerned with obeying God's commands, and don't worry about your singleness. celebrate it, and use it to glorify God in the undistracted attention you can give to Him. Check out 1 Corinthians 6:32-35. I'm praying for you, sister.
Thanks, y'all. This has been really encouraging. I want to be clear - I'm not unhappy or dissatisfied in my singleness. Sure, I have my moments, but for the most part, I'm having a blast. And anyone who's met me will tell you that I definitely don't settle (much to the chagrin of some). But still, it's nice to know that I'm on the right track here. Now where's that dude who wanted to buy me a burrito?
Even though you wrote this months ago, I needed it today. Thanks for writing this. It encouraged me more than you can know!
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