What a Girl Wants - Beth Parent

I once went out on six dates with a really nice guy, which officially registered at that time as the longest relationship on file for me since high school. He was a Christian, he was nice, he was a gentleman, he was tall, he was easy to talk to, and we got along well. But as I discovered through dating him, that's not enough for me. Call me picky, call me crazy, call me the future Ms. Old Maid USA, but I'm just not willing to settle for common decency. Maybe my standards for men are set higher than realism allows, but I guess I think that all Christian men should be nice and gentlemanly. I don't have to share interests or sense of humor with them all, and they certainly don't all have to be tall, but I suppose that the rest of the good qualities are just the basics. And I'm looking for the extraordinary.

I want to be pursued relentlessly, not in a creepy stalker sort of way, but in a way that tells me I'm necessary in the man's life. I know this is horribly cheesy and hopelessly romantic, but I keep thinking about The Notebook, and how the guy simply cannot function properly without the girl. He's going crazy until she agrees to go out with him, going to downright dangerous lengths to get her to say yes. And though I asked the man previously described for patience while I figured out my feelings for him, the truth was that if I'd had any feelings, I would have known. I wouldn't have needed to figure them out. There were no butterflies to speak of, no nervous laughter, no sweaty palms, no talking nonsense, no tongue-tied-ness. And while it's nice to feel comfortable with a man, this was not a comfort born of familiarity and closeness but of lack of concern for his opinion of me, because I wasn't trying to make a good impression, because I wasn't trying to keep him liking me, because it wouldn't have bother me if he weren't interested, because I wasn't interested.

I want to be swept off my feet. Knowing what I know about the Lord and the way He pursues and loves His people, there's no way I can be satisfied with anything less than an overwhelming romance. If my vision of God were smaller, if my knowledge were more limited, if my experience were less thorough, I could be perfectly happy with a sweet, attractive, funny guy who's active in his church. But I've seen God's power, I know His love, and I've experienced too much of His faithfulness to believe that He would have me marry someone I'm not absolutely amazed by.

I want to be amazed (in my life in general) by what the Lord has done. And if, someday, I get married, when I think about my husband, I don't want to think about how nice or how cute he is. I don't want to think about what we did to build our relationship. I don't want to think that I'm glad I've finally gotten what I think I deserve in life. When I think about my husband, I want to have no other words but to say how incredible God is in having brought us together. I want to say that I can't believe what the Lord has done, and that I don't know why He has chosen to bless me in this way, but I'm not going to question it or argue because my husband is the best thing that's ever happened to me apart from Christ himself.

I want to bring out the best in him and allow him to bring out the best in me. I know that we'll probably bring out the worst in each other as well, but I want to use that to challenge each other spiritually to grow and seek the Lord, not out of confusion or despair, but out of a desire to know God better so that our love might be made more pure.

I want a man who doesn't need to be told how to pursue me. I know he can't read my mind, and I know he'll need to be told what I like to eat (veggie burritos) or that I want a pearl engagement ring and not a diamond. But if I have to say that I want him to hold my hand before trying to kiss me, or that I may freak out at which point he'll have to step up the pursuit, not give up on it, or that walking a girl to her door is just the right thing to do, or that I want to talk about spiritual things... If I have to say all these things, it's really like I'm wooing myself. Furthermore, if I say all these things, I am the one calling the shots. I am the one steering the relationship. I am doing his job, and I don't want to do his job. I want to do mine.

I want to help him find and pursue his passions. I want to see him thrive in life no matter what that takes, no matter where it takes us. I want to be a source of help and support and rest out of my strengths and gifts.

I want a godly man or none at all, and I don't think that this is too much to ask. Not from a God "who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Ephesians 3:20).

Short story long - Anonymous

A year ago, I had just ended a long-term relationship with a passive-aggressive, abusive man. After six years of belittling, put downs, irrational rules, I was left with a constant overshadowing feeling of worthlessness.

How did it start?

Throughout high school, I never had a boyfriend and was never really comfortable around guys. Whenever I ended up alone with one, I’d break into a panic attack and end everything right there. By nineteen, I'd started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I wondered if I should just shut my gut feelings up and let go.

A great friend of mine encouraged me to go live in Europe when the opportunity arose. I was terrified, but he helped me see what an amazing experience it would be, so I went, and every week I was there, he wrote me the most poetic letters. Six months later, I came home and was anxious to see him but saddened when I found out that he was leaving within a few days. He had a going away party and so, of course, I attended. I was a ball of nerves. I was so uncomfortable, but I didn’t listen to my gut. I convinced myself that the only thing wrong with the situation was me.

This so-called friend I thought I knew well held me hostage that night, trapped for hours and just as it got to the point of no return, I somehow found the strength to throw him off me, break free and run. I didn’t tell anybody what happened. My closest friends knew something had changed in me, but they didn’t know any details and never imagined it was nearly as bad as it was.

After him, another amazingly sweet guy took me under his wing and made me feel safe again. He loved me without ever touching me, which was exactly what I needed. Then, out of nowhere, he left. He never said goodbye, and he never came back. I was broken all over again and convinced that I had no worth. I bounced around from one shallow, meaningless relationship to another, with total disregard for my body and my self, and somehow, I ended up stuck in the most abusive relationship yet for a long time. It was so terrible on my body that I ended up nearly dying of an autoimmune disorder caused by the stress. Finally, after months of hesitation, I put my foot down and ended it.

Within a couple of weeks, a new guy unexpectedly came into my life. I was a broken, arrogant agnostic leaning towards atheism, and he was a hardcore Christian from the Deep South with an amazing heart. He picked me up and showed me constantly that I was a strong and lovable woman with the potential to do anything. He really loved me.

Through that love and long daily conversations, I became open to learning about God. He bought me my first Bible and encouraged me to listen to his church’s sermons online. Curiosity got a hold of me and I looked for more churches to listen to. Soon, I was listening to a few sermons every week along with reading my Bible nearly every day. For the first time in my life, I trusted somebody completely. It was amazing and through our relationship and strong friendship, I kept growing and learning.

Then suddenly, he betrayed me. He broke my heart entirely and neither of us saw it coming. Though I was devastated, and my new-found beliefs in God and Jesus were shaky and shallow, a feeling overcame me - I had to forgive him. I had to find a way to let him regain my trust; otherwise, I knew I’d never be able to trust anybody ever again. But I just couldn’t do it. I was too broken.

I asked a pastor for help. He promised to pray for me, that my relationship with the man who introduced me to God would be strengthened and restored, and that I would have the strength for forgiveness. I prayed too. I prayed to God to make it easier somehow for me to forgive my new guy.

That night, I went out to see a musician friend’s show alone. I arrived late and sat down quietly at the edge of the room by the door. As soon as I was comfortable, the door opened again and in walked the guy who had held me hostage nearly nine years before. It was the first time I had seen him since. Without recognizing me, he came into the room and sat in the seat right beside me. I couldn’t breathe because his stench stirred up all sorts of vivid memories. I reached into my handbag, put my hand on the small Bible I always keep in there for protection, shut my eyes and took a calming exhale. Here I was, sitting elbow to elbow with the man who had tortured me, and I was surviving. Now, I had God on my side, loving me, watching out for me, protecting me and giving me the strength I needed.

It suddenly became obvious to me that God was answering my prayers. My new guy’s betrayal was not even in the same realm as what this horrible person’s had been to me. But more than that, through my relationship with my new guy and everything I've learned as a result of meeting him - having him in my life and him showing me God in such a way that I could finally understand - I'd become a strong enough person to sit beside the most horrible person of my life and not break. I thanked God for using this horrible human being to remind me of everything from where I've come to where I am so that my perspective of my new guy, one of the most beautiful people I know, with the kindest heart, could be restored.

While I still cannot forgive that horrible person for what he did (and for now, I'm fine with that), I did forgive my new guy so much more wholeheartedly than I ever would have had God not answered my prayers in such a brutal way. I'm so grateful.

So, in the past year, how have I transformed, and how has God changed me?

In every way imaginable.