Forgiven - Elaine Bayless

"I already told you, I don't have time tonight!"

Brandi looked at Jesse angrily. "Well, when are you gonna have time?" she snarled. "I told you Monday that we had to talk about what what happened with Charlie and you've been out every night since. Don't you care about him?"

Jesse rolled his eyes at her and turned to the door. "We'll talk when I get back," he snapped, and slammed the door on his way out.

Brandi sighed and began clearing up the dishes. Charlie had hardly touched his food and was now watching TV, his head glued to the screen. She felt bad about that but she just didn't have it in her to stop him. Charlie was every bit as stubborn as Jesse, and she'd already had her fight for the evening. She finished washing the dishes, then she exchanged the Tupperware of leftovers for a cold beer from the fridge. She savored the first sip in silence, letting its coolness run through her chest into her belly. She carried the beer into the living room and flopped on the couch.

"30 minutes till bed," she warned Charlie. He nodded, his face absolutely blank as he stared at the screen. It was a Simpson's rerun. He knew she wouldn't protest him watching a cartoon. She watched the show idly while flipping through a magazine. The beer stole through her, dulling her anger and laying over her body like a blanket. She tried not to think about what Charlie's kindergarten teacher had told her.

Forty-five minutes later she started the bedtime routine with Charlie. It took forever. He was always asking questions and putting things off. She knew he was working her – that he was deliberately delaying the bedtime, but she could never outsmart him while he was doing it. It was 9:00 before she was reading his bedtime story to him. By the time she finished he was almost asleep, a thin line of drool starting out of his mouth. She left the room silently.

Now she had a little time to herself. She grabbed another beer and sat on the sofa, rubbing her feet. One of those little foot massagers, that would be nice, she thought. She flipped through the TV channels until she found a crime drama and settled in. This time the TV had her full attention; she loved crime dramas. She lost herself in the show until it ended, then smiled as another show came on. She was going to wait up until Jesse got home, no matter how late it was. She didn't have to work the next day till noon, and she would just make him get Charlie to the bus stop. The news came on at 11:00 and she lay down on the sofa, dozing off and on.

She must have fallen asleep, because the TV was showing some stupid late night show when she jerked awake at the sound of the car door outside. Jesse's footsteps, heavy and slow, came around the side of the trailer and she sat up, rubbing her eyes and running a quick hand through her hair. He burst in the door, shaking the whole trailer. She squinted at him, trying to move through the foggy haze of sleep and beer, looking for the hard coal of anger she knew she should be kindling.

"What time is it?" she asked, stretching and slowly standing up.

"It's late," said Jesse, his voice flat. He went into the kitchen and came back out with a beer. He looked at her belligerently.

"Who set you off?" she asked him, finding the dim coal of anger and blowing on it. She looked at him. The steadiness of his walk and the clearness of his eyes told her that this was his first beer of the night.

"Nothing, I don't wanna talk about it. What's going on with Charlie?" he replied, avoiding her eyes.

"Charlie?" she asked, thrown off by his sudden change in subject. "Charlie? No, tell me where you were first."

"What do you care? I wasn't out drinkin'," he said angrily.

"Yeah, I can see that. Thanks for the information," she hissed at him, her anger building. She forced herself to stay calm and keep her voice low as she continued, "You've been putting me off all week. Last night you promised to talk to me tonight. Tonight you go out to God knows where and then come home and want to talk about Charlie like nothing happened. Where were you?"

Jesse sighed and closed his eyes. The images of the night shot through his mind and he chugged the beer to blot them out. He remembered his initial shock, all the stuff they had dumped, the fight with Dwayne that had almost caused a wreck. And now Brandi stood in front of him like an angry little Chihuahua, demanding to know where he had been and what he had been doing. She was still talking, yapping away, and he knew there was no chance in hell they would talk about Charlie tonight, whatever that problem was.

"Brandi. Just shut up," he said, locking eyes with her. She stepped back, her face angry and hurt. He put out an arm toward her and she turned sharply and walked towards their room.

"Get Charlie on the bus tomorrow," she snapped, a parting shot, and he heard the bedroom door shut and the lock click.

Jesse sighed and laid down on the couch. He started channel surfing and fell asleep in front of the TV.

The next morning Brandi slept late as she had intended. She had bolted up at 7:00, heart racing, but then heard the chatter of Charlie and his dad and knew that Jesse was taking care of him. Laying back down, she had shoved aside all thoughts of gratitude or forgiveness, and gone back to sleep with a vengeance. Around 10:30 she awoke to the smell of pancakes in the kitchen. She rolled over and stretched luxuriously, smiling at the smell. Then the night before crashed into her memory, and her smile disappeared. She felt the familiar mixture of worry and dread and love that she felt whenever she thought about Jesse. She got up, gathered her clothes, and lurched into the bathroom, nodding her head at Jesse when he looked at her from across the trailer. After a shower, she felt awake and ready to face him. She walked across the living room into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

"Pancakes?" she said, her eyebrows raised.

"Pancakes for my baby," he said with a wide smile, and served her a plate. He got his own plate and a couple of mugs of coffee and sat down with her.

"Look, Brandi, I'm sorry about last night," he started.

She looked at her plate, stuffed her mouth with pancakes. She slowly chewed on the words, wondering what to say. Swallowing, she said, "Jesse, there can't be any more secrets. Not from me, not again."

He nodded. "I'm sorry. I wanted to surprise you."

"Some surprise," she said, and guzzled her coffee.

"Yeah, it didn't turn out like I expected."

"What didn't turn out?"

Jesse sighed. "Dwayne had a job for me last night," he said, calmly cutting a bite of pancake and shoving it in his mouth.

Brandi's jaw dropped open. After all they had been through, was Dwayne still around? Still involved? She felt sick and pushed the plate away.

"No," she whispered, looking at Jesse.

"Just drop it, ok? I know it was a bad idea. I won't do it again," said Jesse, his voice tired but with an edge.

"You've been out on probation for three months and you're pulling jobs with Dwayne again?"

Jesse wouldn't look at her. He continued eating.

"Jesse, look at me."

He threw back the rest of his coffee, noisily swallowed.

"Look at me."

Silence hung in the trailer.

"Jesse. Look at me – now!"

His eyes came up cautiously, gradually meeting hers.

"What in God's name were you thinking?" she hissed, her voice like steel.

Jesse shook his head.

"What. Were. You. Thinking?" Jesse sat silent and still, mouth closed. He shook his head.

"No, don't do that. Don't be like that. Tell me what's going on," she insisted. "Tell me something!"

He sat in silence for a beat, breathing heavy. Then finally he spoke. "Look, Brandi, we need the money. Charlie's trip to the doctor put us way behind last month and we aren't catching up."

"So you think stealing is the answer? Don't you ever learn?" She got up and carried her plate to the sink. She scraped the pancakes off into the trash.

"Brandi," he said, standing up and coming towards her.

"Don't," she said, holding up a hand. She went back to their room and pulled on her shoes, then grabbed her purse and keys and walked out. Jesse followed her outside.

"Brandi, where are you going?" he asked.

"Where do you think?" she hissed at him. "I'm going to work. I'll see you tonight. Pick up Charlie from the bus stop." She threw herself into her car and took off, not looking back. Brandi drove to work, her mind racing. Her manager frowned at her when she walked in.

"You're early," she scowled.

"Yeah, any overtime available?" asked Brandi.

The manager shook her head, then shrugged. "I can't let you out early neither – I need you during your shift."

"K," said Brandi, and went outside to the picnic table. She wished she had a beer or a cigarette. She hadn't smoked in months – she had quit while Jesse was in jail – but there were times, like now, when she thought that might've been her biggest mistake since Charlie. Not that she didn't love Charlie – but she never should've tossed those dice with a man like Jesse. She looked up at the blue sky and held back tears. She never would've predicted her life would come to this at age 23. Never would've thought that she'd be a worn out mom worried about some kid and her worthless husband. She jerked her shoulders as she thought grimly that Jesse wouldn't have predicted this either. On probation from jail, with a wife and kid at 27? No, this wasn't the life either one of them had dreamed about. She worked her shift wordlessly but smoothly, driving home at the end with dread in her gut.

When she got home, Charlie came running up to her with a single rose. "Mommy, mommy!" he cried, and threw himself into her arms. Laughing she raised him up and kissed him, nearly squashing the rose. "Thanks, honey!" she exclaimed.

"Daddy's got a surprise for you," he crowed, as they walked towards the trailer. She smelled the aroma of roasting meat and saw the smoke of the grill before she saw Jesse, apron on.

"Hey babe," he said, a shy smile on his face.

Her face hardened. She let Charlie down, noticing a smear of chocolate on his cheek. "What's this?" she asked, leaning over and wiping it off.

"Daddy took me for ice cream!" he cried, jubilant.

"Oh, that was nice of Daddy," she replied, and sent a withering look Jesse's way.

"Yeah, I went to the school and picked him up," said Jesse.

"What?" she asked, thrown off.

"Charlie, go inside and wait for us till dinner's ready," said Jesse, and Charlie obeyed. He always obeyed Jesse with a promptness that infuriated Brandi, who had to haggle with him over every little thing.

"What's up?" she asked, arms crossed.

"I remembered you said something about Charlie's teacher," he said. "And I had the day off, so I went to pick him up and talk to her."

"You went to the school?" asked Brandi, her heart flipping.

"Yeah. I figured it was the least I could do."

Brandi stared at him. Every time she was ready to kick him out, every time she was done with him, he would go and do something brilliant like this.

"And then I came home and cooked dinner," he added, and lifted the grill lid with a flourish.

"Steak," she said, weakly. It was her favorite. "We can't afford it," she added automatically.

Jesse shook his head. "We'll talk after dinner," he promised, and Brandi felt her knees weaken, her heart relax. Her fight gone, she went inside and set the table.

Dinner was good, and while Brandi washed up, Jesse hustled Charlie to bed, accomplishing the task in no time flat. She was still drying the last of the dishes when he emerged into the living room. In wordless agreement, they walked into the living room and turned on the TV. Then they sat facing each other.

"So, Charlie," began Jesse.

Brandi looked at him. "Why did you do that?"

"Brandi, gimme a break, OK? I care about him, you know that."

She sighed. "OK, so, the teacher told you then?"

"Yeah. She said the next time it happens it's an automatic suspension."

"Yeah, I just don't know what to do. He never acts like that around us," Brandi said, shrugging.

"The teacher said something about spending more time with him," said Jesse. They looked at each other with weary eyes.

"I think feeding him is more important, don't you?" asked Brandi, her eyes tearing up.

"Hey, babe, it'll be ok. We'll think of something," Jesse said.

"No, Jesse, you'll think of something, and then the next thing you know it'll just be me and Charlie," said Brandi, and began crying. Jesse pulled her into his chest.

She cried angrily, helplessly. Was this really her life? Depending on some big idiot whose only recommendation was his ability to grill a good steak and score good weed?

"Shh, Brandi," he soothed her. "It's not the end of the world." She continued to cry, thinking, no, the world ended a long time ago.

It was just two days later that she saw the billboard. She and Jesse were driving out to Charlotte to pick up some stuff for a friend who was moving. They were at a traffic light and Brandi looked up at the billboard. It said, simply, "Church trailer thief, stealing from God ... Ballsy." She cracked up.

"Jesse, look at that billboard," she hooted, pointing it out. He glanced up, but he didn't laugh. Instead he turned angry red.

"What's so funny about it?" he asked.

"What do you mean, what's funny about it? It's just funny. Some church is calling a guy ballsy! And they're right, I mean, who steals from churches?"

"I dunno. But churches got stuff, why shouldn't someone steal from them?"

"Why shouldn't someone steal from them? God, Jesse, it's a church! They do good and stuff!"

"So? It's not stealing from God, it's just stealing from a religious club."

"Oh, whatever. It is so stealing from God." She continued to snicker as the light turned green and they took off.

"Well, it's stupid. It's not funny at all," he said, sulkily. She continued to laugh, despite her irritation with Jesse. She couldn't help picturing her gramma, a devout little old lady, reading the billboard and passing out from shock at the crude language. It was too funny. Once her laughter subsided, she glanced over at Jesse and her eyes widened in shock. He was furious, his eyes slitted, his nostrils flared. She pulled back in surprise.

"Jesse, what's up?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said sullenly. But his foul mood continued the whole day, and it didn't take Brandi long to figure out why.

She waited to confront him until they got home and Charlie was in bed.

"I may be slow, but I'm not stupid," she said, looking him straight in the face.

"What?" he said, settling next to her on the couch.

"That job with Dwayne, was it that church?"

"Brandi, what are you talking about?" he asked, wearily.

"The billboard, about the church trailer thief. I'm asking you if you robbed a church."

"Does it matter? The job is over. We've spent the money.."

"Yeah, it matters. Did you steal from a church?"

"Who cares? You've enjoyed having the money, haven't you?"

"That's not fair," she snapped. "Just tell the truth, just this once. Was the job stealing from a church?"

Jesse sighed and looked at the floor.

"Jesse please, just tell me," she begged.

Jesse looked at Brandi. Tears were starting up in her eyes – he could tell by the way she kept looking at the ceiling. He hated to see her cry. He didn't want to tell her, didn't want to confess what had happened that night. He wanted to put it as far away from them as he could – pretend it never happened and move on. But Brandi could never let go of stuff – she picked away until she got the whole story. He would have to tell her and hope for the best.

"Look, I didn't know until we got there. But once we were there I had to go through with it."

"Oh God," she moaned.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't happy about it either, ok? And I told Dwayne that."

"Oh, and what did he care?"

"It doesn't matter. We won't be doing nothing any more, not after what I said. It was a stupid job, not worth the effort anyway." He slumped now that the worst was over. Time for the storm. But for once Brandi was quiet. He stole a look at her. She was sitting motionless on the couch, staring into her lap.

"C'mon, baby, it's not so bad. I'm done now, I promise. Just say something," he pleaded, touching her shoulder.

"You're never done," she said quietly, her voice hopeless.

"Don't say that," he wheedled, but she pulled away from him.

"Let's just watch TV," she muttered, focusing her attention on the screen. The late night news came on. Jesse got up and got two beers, one for both of them. He handed one to Brandi, but she put it unopened on the side table and kept her eyes fixed on the news.

"And now, a story about how a local church is stirring things up in the outdoor advertising world," said the woman anchor brightly, and a shot of the billboard was displayed in the background. Brandi gasped. She clutched Jesse's arm. The anchor talked on, about how a church in Concord had stored their stuff in a trailer which had been robbed. Then they had an interview with the pastor.

"Actually, I'm eager to meet the person who took our stuff," he said. "I took a cell phone and put it in a box where they dumped our Bibles. I'm hoping he'll use that phone to contact me – I'd like to take him out to dinner and get to know him. We've forgiven him and we want to let him know that."

Jesse and Brandi sat motionless on the sofa. The anchor droned on, displaying other billboards they hadn't seen. Slowly they looked at one another.

"That was the job, wasn't it?" asked Brandi, her throat dry.

Jesse nodded.

"You dumped Bibles?"

He nodded again. His mind was racing. Was this a trick? Some sort of police trap? Were they trying to trick him into giving himself away?

"Do you think they want the money back?" he whispered to Brandi.

"I dunno. He said he forgave you," she said back, wonder in her voice.

"It's a trick," said Jesse, uncertainly.

Brandi shook her head.

"No, it is. I go use that cell phone and they know I'm the robber. Take me out to dinner?" he snorted. "That's about as obvious as it gets for a setup."

Brandi shook her head. "I don't think so."

"And how would you know?" he sneered.

"I just do," she replied. She felt a strange sensation in her chest, like something was releasing, some hard knot of tension was working loose. They were forgiven. "What if we just went to church there?" she asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Go to church. Get a feel for the guy, for the people. That way we would know."

"Are you crazy?" Jesse couldn't believe this. "Did you listen to the same interview I did? They've set us up! They want to turn us in!"

"No, seriously, we could go and listen to what they talk about," she said, getting excited. "If it's a setup, someone will talk about it, you know?"

"No way. I'm not going. You go," he said, crossing his arms defiantly.

Brandi felt tears of frustration rise up again. She looked at the ceiling, willing them away.

Jesse was still shaking his head when Brandi looked back at him. "Look, you say you're done stealing, that you've changed. Well, prove it. Come to church with me," she said, steel in her voice.

Jesse stared. "What is this, some kinda test? You wanna see if I'm willing to go to jail again?"

"No, just come to church with me. Get an idea what they're like. Maybe he's serious."

Jesse laughed. "You're crazy. Go if you want to, but I ain't going near that church."

"Jesse, please," she said. But she wasn't begging. Her tone was hard, firm, a new sound for her.

"No. That's final. I don't care what you say, I'm not going."

"Then you can leave," she said, standing up.

Jesse's mouth fell open. "What, you're gonna kick me out over this?"

"Yeah, I am. I'm done worrying about you and believing your promises. You've got to DO something this time."

"Oh, so going to church will prove I've changed?"

She shrugged. "It's something."

He stared at her for a moment. Where was all this coming from? Surely she didn't really believe that pastor, did she? When had she ever been interested in church before? He knew her gramma was super religious, but he had never seen Brandi do anything with church before. And yet she was willing to kick him out?

They stared at each other in silence, a deadlock between them. Brandi wasn't crying any more. She seemed unnaturally calm. Jesse looked at her, her small shoulders squared, her arms crossed firmly. He thought of Charlie, how big he had gotten while he had been in jail. How delighted he always was to see his daddy. He remembered how upset and disgusted he had been with himself after the job with Dwayne. And he knew he couldn't give all this up – he couldn't lose Brandi and Charlie. Not after all they had been through.

"OK, you win," he said, finally.

"Thanks," she said, and sat back down. He tentatively put his arm around her and she relaxed into the embrace. He felt stunned, his head whirling. After the news was over they went to bed, Brandi making small talk and coordinating the next day's schedule as though nothing had changed. Jesse went to sleep quickly, exhuasted by the night's events.

Brandi woke up at an ungodly hour. Jesse was snoring a little, but that hadn't awakened her. She looked at the clock by the bed. 2:30. Ridiculous. She lay back down, but her whole body was humming and she knew that sleep was far from her. She got up quietly and stole out into the living room.

The whole trailer was bathed in a silvery light. At first she thought the streetlight had been repaired, but the color was wrong – it wasn't the orange of sulfur lights. She went to the window and caught her breath at the sight of a brilliant white full moon. It was moonlight that was stealing in, coating the whole trailer in a layer of white silver. She stood there at the window, mouth open in wonder. The knot of tension in her chest unwound, the final loops untying. She breathed slowly and reverently.

"Mama?" came a small voice, with a tug on her hand.

"Charlie?" she said, turning. His eyes were wide.

"Why is it so light in here?" he asked.

"It's the moon, look," she said, her voice hushed with wonder, and she pulled the curtains open. She watched his little face as his mouth dropped open and she smiled. She felt a deep rush of love. They stood in silence, admiring the moon and its light which lit up the whole world outside, brighter than streetlights but softer and gentler.

After a while, Charlie turned to her with a crease in his brow. "Mama, I'm sorry about being bad at school," he said, eyes downcast.

She looked down at him tenderly. Standing in the moonlight, looking at her child, nothing seemed more important than the love between them. "It's ok, baby, I forgive you," she said. A rush of love and forgiveness washed over her, filling her heart with warmth and joy. She knelt down and embraced him, tears of joy running down her cheeks. In that moment she knew that she and Jesse were truly forgiven, forgiven just as completely as she had forgiven Charlie. She knew that the love rushing over her heart for Charlie was nothing compared to the love which held their family, the love which made a pastor dump a cell phone in a shoebox and go on the news, the love that made Jesse agree to go to church with her. They were all loved, all forgiven.